Each one of us has this so called “Psychological disorder”.The reason of having this within us is because of our unique personalities or might as well because of our past that we have been through. I decided to write this article though (I doubt after reading this if “YOU” will still befriend me) because these past days I always had a “dilemma” and I’m feeling anxious if I can still cope-up with this.
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(MY CONFESSION!!!)
Who is NORY? Oh well, that’s me J
Honestly, I can say that I’m an IDEALISTIC and FUTURISTIC person. I can still remember one of my friend have told me that I’m a “POP CULTURE” person and that’s how I based my decisions and
judgement in life. At first, I can’t accept that conclusion of him because I thought “yes, he’s partly correct but I think I’m not purely that kind of person”. But fortunately, as years passed by I realized and its clear to me now that indeed all my decisions in my life are based on what I thought is “good” and “accepted” in my surroundings. I realized that I’m dependent from my surroundings, I based all my decisions from others and I act differently depending on my surroundings. (That makes one say “IM PLASTIC”).
judgement in life. At first, I can’t accept that conclusion of him because I thought “yes, he’s partly correct but I think I’m not purely that kind of person”. But fortunately, as years passed by I realized and its clear to me now that indeed all my decisions in my life are based on what I thought is “good” and “accepted” in my surroundings. I realized that I’m dependent from my surroundings, I based all my decisions from others and I act differently depending on my surroundings. (That makes one say “IM PLASTIC”).
I often asked myself, WHY I AM LIKE THIs? Maybe because ALL I WANTED IS TO BE ACCEPTED AND I FEEL THAT I CAN ONLY BE ACCEPTED IF I CAN DO EVERYTHING THAT IS FAVORABLE BY MANY. As result, I CREATED AN IMAGE OF MY IDEAL SELF (that’s my only dream or goal in life). So what is my “ideal self”? I WANT TO HAVE EVERYTHING, everything that a man can possibly do because as I observe in my stimuli if you are good on many stuffs many will like you. I want to be appreciated and affirmed everyday by many. And in order to achieve that, I need to learn everything. If you just know how hard I’ve been through before landing on my current juncture.
Because of this urge to become my IDEAL SELF I tend to be harsh to myself. SOME PEOPLE might SAY THAT IM LIBERATED because I seem to don’t possess any fear to do everything. They can see that through my confidence level of facing or trying everything (though I’m not really inclined on those stuffs). But actually, I CAN SAY THAT IM NOT “free” because I always RESTRICT myself to some things. Because I’M ALWAYS AFRAID TO FAIL MY self. And you know what, What is my greatest fear? I fear the day when I get to discover that “HINDI KO TALAGA KAYA” abutin lahat at “HANGANG DITO LANG talaga ako”.
I always pushed myself to do such things in order to get that goal. (THAT’s WHY I ALWAYS TELL EVERYBODY THAT IM not really good “TRYING HARD ra JUD ko”). I ONLY ALLOW MYSELF TO BE AN ACHIEVER, I ALWAYS TELL MYSELF TO DO YOUR BEST BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ANY ROOM FOR YOUR MISTAKES THAT’S WHY EVERYTIME I FAIL TO DO WHAT I SUPPOSED TO DO, I PUNISHED MYSELF “psychologically and emotionally”. If you just know my “MAXIM” in life, tsk. (kapoi cxa peru i feel i’m obligated to achieve it for the betterment of myself) One of which is “I control my feelings towards the (person) because I want to have a perfect reputation”. (pa-wholesome kau noh)
You know what, yes I can congratulate myself now... because I already achieved that wholesome image as thought of some people...I already got the impression from others that I’m wholesome person but the truth is I’m doubtful if (AKO JUD TU) sometimes I keep on asking myself if (kinsa jud ko). (sometimes,as defense mechanism i point to others that he/she is bi-polar or multi-personality man tngali ka)
There was time that I evaluated every move I make if (gaan ba sa akong loob ni or dli). The result of that evaluation had jumped me to the decision that I need to consult to others na tlga if I’m still normal.(hahaha) Fortunately, I have good friends that I can trust and one of my friends is a psychology student. She really exerted effort in assessing my concern. I undergone her so called psychological test and found out that I have personality disorder named “SUPERIORITY COMPLEX”. She pointed some cases that I happened had experienced also for me to accept it. So it is now clear to me that I’M ABNORMAL.(LOLS) The question NOW is how I can cure this or minimize the effect on my life? (the answer is still unknown).But fortunately, there is this friend of mine “you know who you are” that somehow always helps me to relieve the pain every time I encounter my tantrums of this disorder. (SHE KEEPs ON SAYING TO ME THAT I SHOULD BEFRIEND MY SELF AND BE KIND TO HER AND ALWAYS TALK TO MY INNER SELF) though its somewhat hard because its difficult for a person like me to find an INNER PEACE I think SHE GAVE ME THIS HOPE THAT sooner I CAN HEAL THIS DISORDER BY CONSTANTLY DOING WHAT SHE TOLD ME. HOPEFULLY I CAN DO IT !!!
THANKS GANG <3
- End of confession –
To end this entry, I will share to you my favourite quote “Learn to befriend yourself” how? I dunno how it should be done in a right way but for me I follow this so called “reward system” where if I ACHIEVED something I need to treat her and give her reward but on other side if I FAILED....
P.S. ( i’m giving you the right to label me anything “feeling perfect” or “plastic” but please feel free to comment or teach me how I should deal with this.) i hope you will help me .
